Brace yourselves, I have some strong words to say on this subject, so let me preface this. I get this question a lot. Our parents get this question a lot. I realize that many people just haven't had to think through the complexities of this issue or don't really have an understanding of what foster care is. If you have asked me this, I am not upset with you and I do not look down on you, but I do hope that you are willing to humbly learn and consider these things.
** I want to add here in the beginning that we are not opposed to adoption. There has been some confusion after my initial post that this is what I'm saying. I like to believe that it would be hard to know us personally and ever get this impression. As far as adoption is a necessary consequence of our fallen world, we love the idea of adoption in the case where it is already necessary. What I am saying is that I hope it does not become necessary in any particular case. I realize I'm taking an idealistic approach to this topic, and that the reality is that it is necessary in many circumstances, but I want to continue to seek and pray for healing for biological families as long as possible.**
My husband informed me today that there is a subreddit of foster parents who take infant foster placements, and then actively work against reunification with the bio family in an effort to get a free baby. It makes me ill to think about. It makes me furious. These are someone's children. They probably have parents and families who love them despite the choices and circumstances that may have led their children into care. To actively campaign against your child's biological family for your own selfish desires is despicable. Yes, there are instances when parents do not have their children's best interests at heart. There are times when the parents will not become a safe place for their children to go home to, and in those cases, terminating rights and adopting are good and right things to do in a desperately sad and broken situation. Adoption is always plan C or D. Never plan A. This kind of foster parent is rare, but it highlights an issue with our attitude towards the God-given goodness of biological family. The family unit is a beautiful and wonderful gift from God that has, like all of his good creation, been warped by the fall. Our desire as foster parents should be to see it restored, not permanently dismantled for our own gain. My heart breaks for bio parents whose children are placed with the foster families who are gaming the system in this way, my heart breaks for children whose foster parents care more for their own selfish desires than for maintaining, respecting, and building up their connections with their biological families.
When we became foster parents, we made a commitment to more than just the children placed in our home, we made a commitment to honor, respect, and pray and hope the best for their families too. I doubt there is a single decent foster parent alive who hasn't at some point selfishly wished their foster child would stay forever. I admit I have. But I recognize that thought for what it is: selfish and prideful. Historical atrocities have been committed by governments and organizations that took children away from parents whom they deemed "less suitable" and gave them to be raised by people of a "more desirable" race, religion, or political affiliation. The goal of foster care is not for the child to end up with whomever will be the "best parent", the goal is for the child to be with their true family, even if we disagree with their way of parenting or their religion, or if their culture is different from our own and we lack an understanding of it. To permanently dismantle a biological family is an extremely serious thing that is not to be taken lightly, and never to be hoped for. It may be tragically necessary, but it is NEVER to be hoped for.
I have said this before, but let me say it again: WE DO NOT DO FOSTER CARE BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE OUR OWN KIDS. WE DO NOT DO FOSTER CARE IN THE HOPES OF ADOPTING A CHILD. Yes, in some way our infertility is related to our foster-care, I've gone into that in detail in previous posts. But we do not do foster care in an effort to replace the hole in our lives left by infertility and miscarriage. We do it because there are children who need to be safe and loved while their families put in the work to reunite their families, and we have a safe place and love to give. It may be that some families don't succeed in reunification for one reason or another, but I could not in good conscience support terminating a parent's rights if they were not given every opportunity and help we have to offer them.
You see, the thing is that you and I are fully capable of making the same decisions that parents of children who are in foster care have. It is only by the restraining grace of God at work in our lives that we too have not fallen into whatever it is that has led to these parents being separated from their children. We don't want to believe this is true, but Scripture is clear on this point. Our hearts are deceitful above all else, we are lured and enticed by our own desires, we are slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness without God's intervention in our lives. We contributed nothing to our own privileged birth or moral development, and certainly not to our salvation. And when you stop and realize that it could have just as easily been you in that situation, you realize what a tragedy it is not to give this parent everything you can in an effort to see them and their children together again, because I hope someone would do the same if it was me or my family member in this situation, and because we should strive to uphold the God-given gift of the biological family.
So, no. I hope we don't adopt. At least not in this way. Someday we plan to adopt children out of foster care who are already waiting to be adopted. The sad reality is that some day we will probably be called upon to adopt a foster child who lives in our own home, but I hope that never happens, because I hope and pray for hearts and lives saved by Christ, and for families made whole again.
