To the People we Forced into Fostering

I was talking with another foster-mom last week about some hard things we have to face and do as those with the privileged position of foster-parent, and we were talking about our families reactions to those hard things. And I realized, we, the foster-parents, signed up for every bit of joy and heartbreaking grief that comes our way in this journey, and we force a lot of people along for the ride, willingly or not.

The most common objection I hear from those who don't foster, is "I I'd get too attached." As foster parents we're okay with that. I honestly don't believe I'll love my biological children more than the little love sleeping 6 feet to my left right now, and I know that it's likely this child will leave me one day, and I may never see her again. It terrifies me to think about, but I keep going, keep loving, keep hoping and praying the best for her and her family even as it rips my heart out to think about the personal pain I will experience as an answer to those prayers. And I'm okay with that. I decided to be okay with that a long time ago. My parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my in-laws, my closest friends, our church family, were never given the choice to be okay with it. We drop these precious child in their lives, who you can't help but ADORE, and they love them so, so well. And then our kids leave, and though as foster parents we bear the brunt of that grief, our family and friends bear it too, with no choice, and no training. They stand alongside us as we try to explain that it's okay and it's good, and it's freaking hard, as we all wrestle with the profound and uncomfortable dissonance of foster care and the unnaturalness of the relationships formed and torn apart by it. 

Many foster-parents have little support from their friends and family when they tell them they are going to welcome foster children into their homes. Many people lose friends over it, and strain family relationships. Because foster care IS scary. Loss is scary. Trauma behaviors and poor mental health are scary. The unknown is scary. Staring deep, dark brokenness in the face is terrifying. 

So I want to say thank you. To the foster-grandparents and foster-extended-family, for including and spoiling our children just like any other grandchild, for reading them bedtime stories over video chat, and sending clothes and books and toys, and snuggling every chance you get. To the foster-neighbors and foster-friends, who show up big every time we have a need, who are excited to meet our little ones regardless of how long they may stay, and for trying to understand the intricacies and commitments of foster care. To every single one of you who loves our babies, and fosters them alongside us knowing that doing so means you, too, will experience the heartache of goodbye, and who prays hard for their families anyway. To everyone who had no say in our decision to foster, but jumped in alongside us instead of turning away, we're blown away by you, we're grateful for you, and we couldn't do this without you. We love you and thank God for the blessing you are to us and to the children who we all have the privilege of caring for in our lives for a time, and treasuring in our hearts forever. We love y'all, thank you for loving us.

“Joy Thief”

I have resolved that I will not be a joy thief. It can be a tempting thing to do as someone who struggles with infertility and miscarriage as I watch those around me conceive and give birth to healthy children while I wait and pray that the same will happen to me someday soon. But a joy thief is a miserable, miserable thing to be, I know from experience.

A joy thief is someone who is so consumed with selfishness and jealousy and anger over their own circumstances that they mourn rather than rejoice over the happy providences of God in others’ lives, even those whom they love and care for deeply. You see, a joy thief forgets who God is because they have spent too much time thinking about themselves instead of the Lord. The Shorter Westminster Catechism asks the question “What is God?” The answer it gives is this; “God is a spirit, infinite, eternal and unchangeable in his being, wisdom, power, holiness, justice goodness and truth.” A joy thief is someone who has forgotten these things and needs to be reminded. I realized lately that I need to be reminded of these things again and need to take some time to dwell on who and what God is, and what that really means in my life, and how I need to ask for forgiveness and help to overcome these thoughts and feelings.

God is infinite, eternal and unchangeable in his Goodness. How easy it is to doubt God’s goodness in the midst of our pain. It is easy to wonder why God has not given me children when he calls them a blessing, it is hard to see why God in his goodness would withhold this good gift from me. I don’t have the answer to why, but I do have the answer to who God is, and he is infinitely good. Unchangeably good. Eternally good. He is good beyond my comprehension and my current circumstances. What I do know is that who I am has been shaped in ways beyond what I have fully realized through the last three and a half years, and I have been sanctified through these challenges, I have been blessed by things that would not have happened had I not experienced miscarriage and infertility. We would not have started fostering when we did, in fact, I never would have left my previous job, never would have found my current job that allows all the flexibility I need to be able to be a foster-parent, and never would have had the privilege to give 4 precious children a loving an godly home in their time of need, and provide their families with the peace of mind that they were loved and well cared for while they did what they needed to to bring them home. Our neighbors who heard me talking about our decision to pursue foster care and shared the same desire and calling as us may not have started their fostering journey at the same time either. When one of my best friends lost her child to miscarriage this past year, I was able to offer knowledge, love and support to her in a way that could only come from having experienced the same kind of loss. So not only has God been good to me through theses difficult circumstances, he has also been good to others through them, what a privilege to have had, and how incredible that he is able to redeem such sad and hard circumstances, results of the fall, and make them blessings for his people. God is good.

God is infinite, eternal and unchangeable in his wisdom. He knows all things fully from beginning to end, and in fact, has ordained all things from beginning to end. I struggle to organize my day wisely, meanwhile the Lord has perfectly and wisely ordained everything from beginning to end, and knows so much better than us what we need and when. He is so worthy of our complete trust and surrender to him.

God is infinite, eternal and unchangeable in his power. When I experience jealousy over a friend’s pregnancy and childbirth, I display an appalling lack of confidence in God’s power. To be jealous is to think that someone has received something instead of me, but God’s creative power is not so limited that he is only capable of creating a limited number of little souls each month. He in his aforementioned goodness, has given that person a child, and he in that same goodness and wisdom has not given one to me.

God is infinite, eternal and unchangeable in his Justice. He is not unfair to give one person a child and not another, for everything we have is a mercy from the lord and is undeserved. At the same time, God will one day make right all that has been ruined by the fall. That doesn’t mean that I will have children, it doesn’t mean that it will be made right in my earthly life, but we who trust in Christ will one day watch as Satan, sin, and death are defeated once and for all, and all things redeemed and and made new.

It is not wrong for us to mourn the brokenness of the world, of our bodies and the tragedy of death, we are right to grieve those things, but is is wrong and sinful for us to allow that righteous grief to become jealousy, bitterness or distrust of the Lord, and to keep us from celebrating with others when they receive happy providences from the Lord. It’s taken me a long time to get to this understanding, because jealousy is such an expected emotion when experiencing something like infertility. It’s a socially acceptable sin in many ways, but it is not acceptable to the Lord and it is not good for my own spiritual and emotional well-being. Which is why I’m grateful to be able to say that when I recently found out over the course of a couple of days that 3 of my friends are expecting, by the work of God in my heart, I was able to share in their joy and praise the Lord for the gift of these precious lives, and it was a feeling infinitely better than being a joy thief. I pray that the Lord will continue to remind us all of his infinite, unchangeable, and eternal wisdom, power, justice, and all of the rest of his wonderful being and make us content and give us joy and righteous grief in every circumstance, no matter how difficult our days may be.