Redeeming Cookies: 6 Years of Love and Grief

I made peppermint mocha cookies today, but not to celebrate Christmas. No, I made them for my firstborn's birthday. It may seem an odd choice, but I can explain.

Two days ago I scrolled through my facebook memories and came upon this one from 6 years prior. It read:

"It took two ruined bags of chocolate chips, a temper tantrum, and a trip to Wal-Mart, but I finally  figured out how to melt white chocolate and finished these darn cookies."

I didn't really need a facebook reminder; that night, and the following days are burned deeply and forever into my memory. The "darn cookies" in question were Peppermint Mocha Cookies for the seminary's Women in Ministry Christmas cookie exchange and contest. Matt loved these cookies, but I can’t even think of them without a flood of sad memories, because for some reason in my mind, this exact moment was the beginning of the end of life as I’d known it. The temper tantrum I had was because I was 6 weeks pregnant, I was exhausted from early pregnancy, had come down with a cold I couldn't take anything for, and was nannying 6 month old twins, yet I had chosen to participate in the cookie contest at the last minute because “moms have to make fancy Christmas cookies” and since I could not for the life of me get the darn white chocolate to melt without seizing, I was clearly a failure as a mother in my mind.

 

The next day we saw Brighton’s heart beating. The day after that, 6 years ago today, there was silence and hollowness and excruciating physical and emotional pain where there had just been life and joy. I had much bigger problems than seizing chocolate, but it still feels like it all somehow started with a finicky cookie recipe and 2 ruined bags of white chocolate chips.

 

I haven't made those cookies in 6 years and 2 days. I couldn't even think of them without feeling angry and sad for 5 years. But when I thought about them the other day, I decided I would make them today. I wanted to take a painful memory, appreciate that it is one of the few earthly and replicable things that reminds me of my child, and redeem it. After all, the only reason I ever made them to begin with was for Brighton as a totally unnecessary attempt to say “I’ll be a good mom to you.” and suddenly it seemed like a fitting way to honor Brighton's life.

This cookie recipe is one of those finicky ones that takes most of a day. Usually that bothers me, however, I didn't mind it today; I typically take December 9 to spend reflecting and grieving and loving, but with two little ones at home it was very business as usual today, so having to take time throughout the day to work on these cookies gave me moments to remember and reflect and pursue an act of love, however symbolic it may be, and as I did I realized that just like the first time I made these cookies, being Brighton’s mom didn’t turn out how I expected; something that should have been sweet and lovely turned out a big mess with frustration and anger and tantrums, and in the end, after a long, difficult, confusing process, it was a whole lot of sweet after all.

 

Yes, there is still grief. This was our child, and they aren't here with us, it's not the way things ought to be and it stings, sometimes it's still more of a stab than a sting, especially as I see my living children grow and realize all that we have missed through the death of our first three children. But there is a deep and rich sweetness as well that I've recognized this year more than ever. The grief I feel is really a mother's love and that love looks a lot different when the object of it is not here to receive it; that's why we find ways honoring Brighton, Keelan and Addison's places in our lives. I find that the more we do that, the less I feel the grief, and the more I feel the content, easy, every day love for them that I experience with my living children. Baking cookies for my kid's birthday is one of the most normal things I've ever done out of love for this child, and this year this date passed with an easiness that it never did before, so much so that it made me uncomfortable when I first realized it. For so long heavy grief was the way I showed my love for this child and the way that I defended their humanity to myself and others. But I've reached a point where I no longer need to convince myself, my husband, my family or my friends that this child was and is real. I've spent years advocating for my child's humanity. Today, I rested in that reality and in my and the Lord's love for my child and channeled that into making them some cookies, knowing that heaven is far, far sweeter than even an award winning peppermint mocha cookie, which it is, by the way; because after all of the mess and the tantrums, I won best overall cookie at that Christmas cookie contest.

Happy sixth birthday to my beloved Brighton Grey. I don't have to wish, it, I know it's true, for there is no greater joy than Christ in whose presence Brighton lives each day.

 

 

 

"We must judge concerning the will of God from his Word, which declares that the children of believers are holy, not by nature but in virtue of the covenant of grace, in which they are included with their parents. Therefore, God-fearing parents ought not to doubt the election and salvation of their children whom God calls out of this life in their infancy."

-The Canons of Dordt, Article 17

 

 

Pregnancy Update

 My last post on here was Simeon's birth story, so it's hard to believe that in the next 5 weeks we will be living another one! I thought I'd give a detailed update on baby boy #2!

A little back story for those who may not have been following along for the last 6 years: we first began trying to have a child back in 2016, after quickly conceiving and the miscarrying, we went on to experience infertility and recurrent miscarriages for the next three and a half years, ultimately resulting in the loss of our first three children; Brighton Grey, Keelan Sabbath, and Addison Jordan. After losing our third baby, I was tested for many different possible causes and diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome, also known as having "sticky blood." Basically, tiny blood clots were preventing blood flow to our otherwise healthy babies, and also putting me at high risk of blood clots and deep vein thrombosis that could be extremely dangerous. The good news is that this is fairly manageable through a regimen of twice daily heparin injections and baby aspirin during pregnancy, though it does not entirely mitigate the risks, and the medications come along with their own risks!

9 months after delivering our healthy "rainbow baby" we were shocked and thrilled to discover we were expecting again! I'm now 35 weeks pregnant and everything has gone incredibly smoothly so far. I'm officially at the point where my doctors have a hint of surprise in their voice when they say "baby looks great!" We now do weekly ultrasounds to be sure that he continues to grow appropriately, that the placenta is staying healthy, and that he's active and healthy! These are the concerns we can monitor for, but as pregnancy progresses, the risk of blood clots also increases, which isn't something that can be predicted or monitored, so the closer we get to my due date, the more it becomes a weighing of risks; staying inside and growing while the risks from APS increase, or delivering early by induction, which comes with it's own risks, especially as it increases the chances of needing a c-section and as you can imagine, serious surgery isn't ideal with a blood clotting disorder! Many of you also know that my induction with Simeon did not go well at all, and it's my feeling that we narrowly avoided a c-section with him, and I'm not eager to repeat the process. If I don't go into labor by my due-date, the risk/benefit balance tips to make it wiser to induce than let him stay inside. So the least risky scenario, and what we pray for, is that I go into labor on my own somewhere around 39 weeks; long enough that he's had plenty of time to grow and gain strength, but soon enough that we avoid the added risks of an induction, and also allowing me the natural birth that I would love to have!

Please join us in praying for protection over baby and me during these last few weeks of pregnancy and during the birth and for me as I continue to parent a high energy toddler while I have very little energy myself!