The morning of the 20th I hadn't made a lot of progress, we continued with the cytotec and I was honestly just so tired I went back to sleep until my doctor came in around noon! The nurses kept trying to get me to get up and move around, I wanted to tell them that if they knew the year I'd had they would tell me to go take a nap too! In reality I suspected that, as with Ezra, it was going to take every dose of cytotec and then pitocin to get labor really going, and I anticipated being up all night in labor either way, and I figured getting rest during the day might help prepare me for a long night of labor! I spent most of the day in a bit of a "mood" tired and impatiently waiting for things to get moving! I requested a foley bulb at 6pm and contractions picked up and were consistent as long as I was walking around, but as soon as I sat down they would stop entirely. I was getting really frustrated by the lack of progress and how long it was taking and thinking it was going to be the next morning before I actaully had this baby! They can't begin pitocin until 2 hours after the last dose of cytotec, so it was 8pm by the time the foley bulb came out and pitocin was finally started. Contractions began to be steady but mild until I got up to "level 8" around 11pm and things kicked into gear pretty quickly and I was finally in active labor! I texted my doula at midnight to have her come in and had the nurse begin filling up the tub which takes about 20 minutes. At this point I started to get really miserable, but also happy to FINALLY be making progress!
And then, the BACK LABOR. I'd never had back labor with either of the boys and it was every bit as painful as it was described to me by those who had. I really began to feel like something was going to BREAK in me with every single contraction and the tub couldn't be ready soon enough! The nurse asked if I wanted to check dilation before getting in and I wanted NOTHING other than to put my back in that hot water! It was blessed relief when I did! While it was still very painful, it was manageable for the time being. My doula, Lydia, came in shortly after I got in the tub and helped me try some different positions and pain management techniques. While I could manage in the short term I was soon thinking that if this was going to last all night something was going to have to change, and was considering asking them to drop the pitocin a level to see if that would help but I soon began to feel a bit of pressure and began to suspect things were moving along, but wanted to spend as much of 1st stage in the tub as I could and the thought of having to move during contractions was horrifying to me. I requested zofran because I was starting to feel some nausea with the contractions and remembered exactly how horrible it was to throw up as my water broke during transition last time, and my nurse definitely gave me a "you better get out of that tub before you have the baby" look and I told her it's not bad yet, but I'm going to get out really soon. I didn't tell anyone I was feeling pressure, partly because I had only been in the tub for 45 minutes, and was second guessing myself, but also because I knew once the nurses knew that I'd be pressured to get out, and if I was too far long they wouldn't want me to get back in, so I waited 3 more contractions and decided I did really need to get out and get checked. Around 1:20am as best I can guess, I got out of the tub and onto the bed as fast as I could between contractions, and I was 8cm. When they asked if I wanted help sitting up again I rolled on my side and said nope, I have to stay right here for a minute, and I knew my water was about to break. Someone grabbed me a peanut ball and 3 contractions later my water broke as I hit transition fast! (with no puking this time, thanks zofran!) There was a discussion among the nurses about if Dr. Harding, the on-call OB, was awake or not and if they should get him. Matt went out to re-heat my heating pad I was having them hold on my back and with the first contraction after he came back I realized I was having a baby VERY QUICKLY. I could feel her descending and tried to communicate this to my team. I thought I was very clear, but apparently, I was not. I think I said "I can feel her coming down. I'm having a baby. She's coming" I don't know if that's not what I said or if no-one knew what I meant, or if they thought that couldn't be what I meant cuz I was at 8cm only 3 minutes earlier, but they had thankfully decided to go ahead and call the Dr. in. I finally managed to communicate to the team that "there is a baby coming out of my body!" the nurse grabbed the peanut ball away and saw a crowning baby as the doctor walked in and asked "is there any cervix left?" to which the nurse replied "I don't think it matters!" which I registered in the very back of my brain as VERY funny. She was coming so quickly I didn't want to tear horribly so I was using every ounce of my willpower not to push while the dr grabbed gloves as fast as he could, said the magic words "Push momma!" and all I had to do was stop trying not to have a baby and there she was, with half a push and only an hour and 45 minutes of active labor! There were 6 contractions between when I was checked at 8cm and having her in my arms! I didn't have time to think about what was happening until it was over besides to register that THANK GOODNESS I was NOT going to have to spend hours and hours with that back labor! Within 5 minutes I had gone from thinking I felt kind of pushy to holding my daughter in my arms; it was fast and wild and wonderful and beautiful, and I'd do it a hundred times over. My heart leaps for joy just remembering it! Afterwards I said I felt like I had just sprinted a marathon. She's much better than any medal though!
To hold another rainbow baby in my arms. To remember how beautiful and natural it is to be able to hold my own baby after having held and loved and nurtured another momma's baby for 7 months of my pregnancy. To hold the baby I felt I had received back from the dead when I started bleeding with her at only 6 weeks and knew she was gone until I saw her tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen of the pregnancy care center. So much joy from so much loss. Living Hope. Reminding us always of the redemption of Jesus Christ and his victory over the grave, our ultimate living hope.
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