Life In-Between

Since "Precious" left 3 and a half weeks ago, we've had one more placement come and go (newborns are HARD, y'all!!), and have adjusted back to a child-free life. It wasn't easy, in fact it's been downright hard some days. I will admit, there have been temper-tantrums that probably made my husband feel like there was a child in the house. I felt like I lost the one thing I was really good at. I felt like I lost the social circles and opportunities that come with having a little on your hip. I miss her, but I also just miss being a mom. And I miss my own littles more for it. But we're trying to make the most out of time without kids, and I'm grateful to find that, by God's grace, I'm doing a decent job of it, because I haven't always.

A few months after the first miscarriage, my best friend asked if I wanted to come up to Chicago and go to Six Flags Great America with her because she had free tickets for an upcoming weekend. It just so happened that it was "Confederate Memorial Day" down here in the deep south (yeah, I never knew that was a thing either) and I had a long weekend, so I was able to go! I told a small group I was part of about this trip, to which one of the women responded "it's nice to be able to just go and do that since you don't have kids."

Ouch.

She didn't know. It wasn't her fault, but that sentence cut deep because I was already afraid that I was dishonoring my child by going and doing something I wouldn't have been able to if he or she was still alive. I lived with this mindset for a long time, and I made myself miserable because of it. I was no good to anyone because of it, and I didn't honor God because I wanted to blame someone else for how miserable I was. So, I blamed him, though I would never have admitted it at the time.

I've since learned that the Lord gives joy and blessing even in the hardest of circumstances. We are not wrong to enjoy those things which we would not otherwise have been allowed. He also allows us to use our circumstances to love others and love him in ways we wouldn't have been able to in other circumstances.

In the last few weeks without kids, we've: babysat other fosters, and gone on a spontaneous camping trip, and stayed up late, and slept through the night (praise the Lord...), and spent an entire Sunday afternoon playing a board game, and attended a foster-care training/support group, and had friends over, and had 5 adults sleep in our two bedroom/one bathroom apartment one night, and made goals for ourselves to get healthier and more self-disciplined, and re-organized our entire apartment, and I've been more focused at work, and we've missed our foster-love, and we've missed our babies, and we've seen again that the Lord is good, and that sorrow and joy can mingle. That they don't cancel each other out, but make each other more wholesome in a way. We've fully understood what we've lost, and yet the good things are even sweeter when they are a balm to the soul.

In all of this, I'm reminded that the greatest tragedy in history was also my greatest good; when our very creator suffered and agonized and died, we were granted freedom and access to him that we never had before. I've been excused from condemnation for my sin and clothed in righteousness because an innocent man, the Son of God, was condemned to die on my behalf.  "Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?" God redeems a broken world. He redeemed his own betrayal, humiliation and death for his glory and our good. He redeems our lives that have been mangled by our sin and by the effects of sin on the physical world; he gives beauty and joy in the midst of loss and confusion and he gives mercy and grace and healthy conviction in the midst of temper-tantrums and bad attitudes and pity parties. He is patient, he is kind, and he is good.