Addison Jordan

"Whate'er my God ordains is right: here shall my stand be taken; though sorrow, need, or death be mine, yet am I not forsaken. My Father's care is round me there; he holds me that I shall not fall: and so to him I leave it all."

For the third time, I found myself pleading with the Lord for the life of my child. For the third time, that prayer was not answered in the way that I hoped, and our precious Addison Jordan entered the presence of the Lord. For the third time, I remember that "whate'er my God ordains is right." Not just because he is God and he does what he wants, but because he loves and cares those whom he calls his own. Whatever circumstances I find myself in, I find his care and love there with me, and the greater the sorrow, the more powerful and deep I find them to be. The more grief I face, the deeper I find myself needing to be rooted in his word and the truth of who he is. These are his words that I have been dwelling on these past few days:

Philippians:8-9 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

Peace in the midst of grief and turmoil can seem unattainable, and yet, here are instructions plainly laid out for how to find peace as I face the loss of my third child: fix my thoughts on these things. Each of these things describes the Lord, so I fix my eyes on him. There are people and circumstances, and things that even in a painful and difficult situation fall under these categories, so I thank the Lord for those things as well. It's not that I am barred from also thinking of the grief and the pain, but one of my greatest temptations is to fall too far into my own mind and my own feelings and forget to remember what is true. There is a war for my thoughts that must be fought minute by minute, and when I can think about these true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy things alongside that grief, that battle is won and there can be peace. Having spent far too much time living in anger and bitterness after my first miscarriage, this peace is such a beautiful and treasured gift from God that is worth fighting the battle for.

Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."

After 2 miscarriages, it's hard not to see another one coming. As soon as I saw the two lines on the test, I knew that this was a very likely outcome. I knew that a third miscarriage would bring a new set of challenges and feelings and disappointment. At this point I not only grieve this child, I begin to grieve my idea of what I thought my family would be like. I grieve that with the excitement of each new life will come the fear (and the expectation) of more loss and grief. We are the one percent of couples who experience three miscarriages in a row, and statistically, it means that unless a cause is found, each future child we conceive will only have a 60% or less chance at living to reach my arms. That future is terrifying to me and letting go of my idea of what I thought my family would be like is a real struggle for me. With all this in mind, I knew this would be a hard one, and I knew that I must stand firm in my faith in the face of it all or I would have nothing left but fear. But the Lord will not permit the righteous to be moved, instead, he will sustain them. Boy do I need some sustaining right about now, and that sounds a lot better to me than living in fear and despair. This will not shake me, I will not be moved, because the Lord will make it so, and he will grant peace in times of deepest sorrow and uncertainty; "here shall my stand be taken."

James 1:17-18 "Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.Of his own will be brought us forth by the word of truth that we might be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures." 

Even though this child's days were short, he or she was a good and perfect gift from above that we thank and praise God for. This is the verse that we have named this child after. Addison means child of Adam; with miscarried children it can be easy to forget their humanity, and yet this child was descended from Adam, the same as you and me, made in the image of God, brought forth by his will, and yet stained by Adam's original sin and in need of salvation. Jordan means flowing down, or descended; this baby is a gift that came down from the father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. On the days when our lives are turned upside-down and inside-out, God is there; unchanged, unsurpised, and unable to be moved. Because he is constant, I am able to wholly depend on him; to count on him with everything I have to be just and gracious and good to me even though I am completely undeserving of such things.

And finally, 

Revelation 21:3-4 "and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"

My greatest hope for life after death is not to see my children, though I certainly look forward to it. No, my greatest hope is Jesus Christ. His worth surpasses all and brings more contentment than the most beautiful family in the world would. With each child we pray that above all else, they would know and love Jesus Christ, and that he would be glorified by their lives, and even by their deaths. Today, Brighton, Keelan, and Addison stand in his presence, worshiping him with all their hearts, minds, souls, and strength. Though I wish I could have held them in my arms and taught them his ways, I can't ask for more than this for my children: the salvation that comes from Jesus Christ crucified, and him glorified through them. This is the certain hope that I have in the sorrow and the tears and in the face of an uncertain future; that one day, the sting of death and pain of miscarriage and every sin and result of sin will pass away, and I will be part of God's people in his new creation. Then, I will join my voice with my children's as we praise the God who gives and takes away, the God who is good, the God who gave up his own son for my sake and my children's sake, the God who defeated the power of sin and death, the God who gives peace and hope in even the most terrifying and desperate situations, the God who never changes and never wavers, the God who is worthy of praise. "And so to him I leave it all": the physical pain, the overwhelming grief, and a future that, though it is uncertain to me, has been written by him from before the beginning of the world so that it would be for my good, and his glory. May he make it so, and give me the faith to trust his good plans for me and my children.