A Prayer for the "Goodbye Parents"

I've seen posts from a number of foster parents in the last week who have had to say their goodbyes to their foster-loves. This is my prayer for these "goodbye parents":

First, I pray for your kids. They may not be in your home, but they will always be in your heart, and you will always consider them "your kids" in a way.

I pray that they are safe and loved, because you signed up for this heartbreak so that they could know those things.

I pray that even if they were too little to remember, that the love you gave them will never leave them and will make a difference for the rest of their lives.

I pray for their salvation; that even if you never see them again in this life, that you'll see them again in the next.

I pray that wherever they may be, God will also place someone who will teach them about Jesus' saving love for them.

Second, I pray for this child's family, because loving our fosters means loving the people who they love and who love them.

I pray thanks to God for restoring their broken family to each other.

I pray God will rescue them from their sin and the situations that led their kids into foster-care, that they may never have to be apart again.

I pray they will be wise, loving, and godly parents.

Third, I pray for you, foster mom or foster dad.

I pray that you would be able to feel confident that this child is loved and safe, wherever they are.

I pray you would have true, deep joy in the restoration of this family, even as you mourn the loss of this child as part of yours.

I pray that when you find that long lost sock in the laundry, or the pacifier under the bed, or when you hear their favorite song, see their favorite toy, or see a child who is their age or who looks like them, that you would have peace and be able to remember your time together with joy.

I pray that when the tears do come, that you will embrace the love that you have for this child.

I pray that you would grieve well.

I pray against bitterness towards the system, the family, and God.

I pray that God will draw you near to him as you walk through each day.

I pray that if you don't have other children in your home, that you would adjust back to this childless stage of life well.

I pray that if you have mixed emotions about this child leaving your home, that you would not feel undue guilt in that.

I pray for your marriage, that you would be able to comfort and encourage each other and talk with each other and point each other towards Christ, that you may be each other's greatest earthly comfort.

I give thanks to God that he has allowed you to live out this calling to love your neighbor as yourself, and pray that he will continue to confirm this calling if it is his will for you to continue fostering.

I pray that if you need a break, that you would have one and take the time that you need without guilt.

I pray for wisdom in your words and actions as you process this grief; that you would not speak or act rashly and in ways you will regret.

Fourth, I pray for your other children.

I pray that they would understand why their foster-sibling is gone.

I pray they would know how to express the feelings they have in healthy ways.

I pray that they would adjust back to life without them well, but that they can remember and continue to love them even in their absence.

Fifth, I pray for your friends, family, and church family.

I pray God places people around you who understand, or, who are willing to listen and learn if they don't.

I pray that when they don't know what to say, that God would give them wisdom so that they would say and do helpful things.

I pray that you would hear even the unhelpful things with an attitude of patience, grace and appreciation, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Lastly, I pray for the things that I don't know are hard for you today. With my limited experience, I can't even begin to understand how different foster-care situations affect different people, and how your situation is affecting you.

I pray that you would grow in grace, in comfort, in peace, and in love for God and neighbor each day.

Amen.


If you are a foster parent who has said goodbye to a foster-love or who is going to soon, I would love to know more ways that I can pray for you and support you in this goodbye. Obviously this prayer is based on my own experiences, so please, share with me and help me learn how to help you and my other fellow foster-parents better! Thank you for being willing to take on this heartbreak to give these little souls a safe and loving home for whatever time they needed it.

Having Hope

"I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity and my bones waste away [...]. But I trust in you, O Lord; I say "You are my God." My times are in your hand." -Psalm 31:7-10, 14-16a

Every once in a while someone will say something to me in this season of life that I know I'll never forget. Often it is something that stings, but occasionally it's something profoundly helpful, and, often, profoundly simple. I went to an endocrinologist last week to sort out my malfunctioning thyroid and as she looked through my records, she spoke with genuine compassion when she said "3 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages, that takes my breath away. I'm so sorry."

Sometimes I underestimate the toll that saying goodbye to 4 beloved children (including foster love) has taken, and continues to take, especially when 3 of them were in as many months. This grief is a long, slow burn. The longing to fill our home with family is physical; I can feel it in my chest. The brokenness of death and of foster care still captures my thoughts, I still cry, I still lay in bed instead of doing the dishes, and I still wish them back, even though I know they don't belong here. I still have sorrows and I still sigh, and even with how open I try to be about all of it, I still feel shame in that sorrow. I fear making others uncomfortable with my story and the reality of my grief. I fear being a burden to someone. I fear that I sin by my sorrow. But if it takes away the breath of a stranger, of a medical professional who sees hard things all day long, I'm reminded that it's allowed to take my breath away too.

I'm not doing this grief thing perfectly. But I'm so grateful for the license that this Psalm gives me to deeply, painfully, grieve and sigh. And to know that not only does it take my doctor's breath away, not only does it knock me down, but that God has seen the distress of my soul, and he has seen me sin in that distress, and yet he has been steadfast in his love and gracious in his dealings with me, showering me with his his provision and forgiveness. I recently had a few weeks that were very hard for me; I felt like I couldn't get my head above water, and I felt like my soul and body were "wasted in grief." The longer I let it go, the worse it got, and the more upset with myself I became over it. And then, suddenly, God has set my feet on a broad place the past few days. I feel a spring awakening in my soul. I have a rekindled love of God's word and of God himself. He has not handed me over to self-pity and shame and despair, but has rescued me from my own deceitful heart and manipulative attitudes. My grieving doesn't cease, and there are days that I quip that God has been teaching me patience for 3 years, and I can't wait for him to be done with it. But I know that "my times are in his hands" and I can trust in him, his plan and his love: he sees all my grief, he sees the depths of my heart, he grieves the brokenness of this world, and desires to set it right. What a good and gracious God.

Let me say here, that my husband is such an incredible example to me of God's love. I know that I've been a downright miserable person to be around the last month. I have grumped and griped, and blamed, and belittled, and not once was he harsh towards me in return. He faithfully did the dishes, and brought me water, and snacks when I didn't want to get up off the couch, and spoke kindly towards me with more patience than I know I could have mustered in the same situation. When I realized my attitude and mean spirit, I had to seek his forgiveness, which he gave freely and immediately, asking nothing in compensation and he has not spoken of it again. In an even greater way, God has been gracious to me in ways I do not deserve and in more ways than I can count or even know; the greatest of which has been his complete forgiveness freely offered, and the second greatest of which has been giving me a husband after his own heart to walk through each day with.

I hope and pray that these hardest days are coming to an end. The doctor told me something else the other day: "we're going to treat this, and we're going to have hope." We've discovered that I have a thyroid disorder that can prevent pregnancy and cause miscarriage, and it's easily treatable. We've also found that I might have a clotting disorder that causes miscarriage and serious conditions that are life-threatening to both me and an unborn child, that can also be managed with great success. And so, though it's hard for me to really believe after so much loss, we have real hope that we will soon be on our way to welcoming a child into our arms to stay. What a beautiful, beautiful thought.

Whether or not we have children, we will still have hope. We will have a hope that is not difficult to believe, because unlike our experience with pregnancy and parenthood, we have not once been failed by the hope of Jesus Christ. Come what may, I will rejoice and be glad in his steadfast love whether I have joy or sorrow, excitement, or disappointment; for I always have Jesus and his everlasting love for me. I have the hope and knowledge that he will glorify himself in me and my circumstances. He will give grace and strength to not just face another day, but to be content and seek his glory in it, if only I ask. May he make it so.

Addison Jordan

"Whate'er my God ordains is right: here shall my stand be taken; though sorrow, need, or death be mine, yet am I not forsaken. My Father's care is round me there; he holds me that I shall not fall: and so to him I leave it all."

For the third time, I found myself pleading with the Lord for the life of my child. For the third time, that prayer was not answered in the way that I hoped, and our precious Addison Jordan entered the presence of the Lord. For the third time, I remember that "whate'er my God ordains is right." Not just because he is God and he does what he wants, but because he loves and cares those whom he calls his own. Whatever circumstances I find myself in, I find his care and love there with me, and the greater the sorrow, the more powerful and deep I find them to be. The more grief I face, the deeper I find myself needing to be rooted in his word and the truth of who he is. These are his words that I have been dwelling on these past few days:

Philippians:8-9 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

Peace in the midst of grief and turmoil can seem unattainable, and yet, here are instructions plainly laid out for how to find peace as I face the loss of my third child: fix my thoughts on these things. Each of these things describes the Lord, so I fix my eyes on him. There are people and circumstances, and things that even in a painful and difficult situation fall under these categories, so I thank the Lord for those things as well. It's not that I am barred from also thinking of the grief and the pain, but one of my greatest temptations is to fall too far into my own mind and my own feelings and forget to remember what is true. There is a war for my thoughts that must be fought minute by minute, and when I can think about these true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy things alongside that grief, that battle is won and there can be peace. Having spent far too much time living in anger and bitterness after my first miscarriage, this peace is such a beautiful and treasured gift from God that is worth fighting the battle for.

Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."

After 2 miscarriages, it's hard not to see another one coming. As soon as I saw the two lines on the test, I knew that this was a very likely outcome. I knew that a third miscarriage would bring a new set of challenges and feelings and disappointment. At this point I not only grieve this child, I begin to grieve my idea of what I thought my family would be like. I grieve that with the excitement of each new life will come the fear (and the expectation) of more loss and grief. We are the one percent of couples who experience three miscarriages in a row, and statistically, it means that unless a cause is found, each future child we conceive will only have a 60% or less chance at living to reach my arms. That future is terrifying to me and letting go of my idea of what I thought my family would be like is a real struggle for me. With all this in mind, I knew this would be a hard one, and I knew that I must stand firm in my faith in the face of it all or I would have nothing left but fear. But the Lord will not permit the righteous to be moved, instead, he will sustain them. Boy do I need some sustaining right about now, and that sounds a lot better to me than living in fear and despair. This will not shake me, I will not be moved, because the Lord will make it so, and he will grant peace in times of deepest sorrow and uncertainty; "here shall my stand be taken."

James 1:17-18 "Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.Of his own will be brought us forth by the word of truth that we might be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures." 

Even though this child's days were short, he or she was a good and perfect gift from above that we thank and praise God for. This is the verse that we have named this child after. Addison means child of Adam; with miscarried children it can be easy to forget their humanity, and yet this child was descended from Adam, the same as you and me, made in the image of God, brought forth by his will, and yet stained by Adam's original sin and in need of salvation. Jordan means flowing down, or descended; this baby is a gift that came down from the father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. On the days when our lives are turned upside-down and inside-out, God is there; unchanged, unsurpised, and unable to be moved. Because he is constant, I am able to wholly depend on him; to count on him with everything I have to be just and gracious and good to me even though I am completely undeserving of such things.

And finally, 

Revelation 21:3-4 "and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"

My greatest hope for life after death is not to see my children, though I certainly look forward to it. No, my greatest hope is Jesus Christ. His worth surpasses all and brings more contentment than the most beautiful family in the world would. With each child we pray that above all else, they would know and love Jesus Christ, and that he would be glorified by their lives, and even by their deaths. Today, Brighton, Keelan, and Addison stand in his presence, worshiping him with all their hearts, minds, souls, and strength. Though I wish I could have held them in my arms and taught them his ways, I can't ask for more than this for my children: the salvation that comes from Jesus Christ crucified, and him glorified through them. This is the certain hope that I have in the sorrow and the tears and in the face of an uncertain future; that one day, the sting of death and pain of miscarriage and every sin and result of sin will pass away, and I will be part of God's people in his new creation. Then, I will join my voice with my children's as we praise the God who gives and takes away, the God who is good, the God who gave up his own son for my sake and my children's sake, the God who defeated the power of sin and death, the God who gives peace and hope in even the most terrifying and desperate situations, the God who never changes and never wavers, the God who is worthy of praise. "And so to him I leave it all": the physical pain, the overwhelming grief, and a future that, though it is uncertain to me, has been written by him from before the beginning of the world so that it would be for my good, and his glory. May he make it so, and give me the faith to trust his good plans for me and my children.

Foster Care: Honest Answers to Honest Questions

We've been licensed foster parents for 9 months now, and wanted to take some time to answer the most common questions we've gotten, and other questions that you have about foster care, foster kids, and foster parents! These are my answers from my own experience and training; the information I give is accurate to the best of my knowledge for my state and county, but may not be the same everywhere and may change! I've categorized by subject, so feel free to read everything or just the parts that interest you! If you have any other questions, drop a comment or message me! Here we go!

Day to Day Life:

Q. Are you still working? 

A. Yes! While I hope to stay home full time or most of the time after Matt graduates and finds a job, right now I am still working outside the home!

Q. How does daycare work?

A. Child Protective Services partners with a number of daycares through a voucher program. This voucher is good for a set amount towards the daycare tuition, determined by the child's age. For example, our chosen daycare charges $40/wk more than our voucher is good for (because we don't have a ton of good options in our neighborhood and we're picky!). This means that CPS pays the voucher amount each week, and we pay the extra $40. We use our CPS reimbursement to cover this cost, meaning that daycare is free for us!

Q. How quickly do your kids start daycare?

A. It depends. We have a back-up daycare that has so far told us every time that they can start the next day. Our preferred daycare is wonderful about working with foster families, and will usually be able to make an opening within a week or so. The children also have to be up-to-date on their shots to start daycare which can sometimes be an issue (aka spending 4 hours at the health department the day before they start daycare). I prefer to take some time off to bond with a new child if possible, and Matt's schedule as a student allows him some time at home. Between this and some neighbors who are foster parents and our approved babysitters, we can minimize my time off work, and allow the child some time with us to adjust before beginning daycare.

Q. How does working full time work?

A. Teamwork! You, your spouse or family, your close support network, and your social worker work together to make sure the needs of the child and the requirements of the system are met. Social workers will take children to visitation and doctor appointments if you aren't able to, but we try to do as much of it ourselves as possible! It's also important to know that foster care falls under the Family Medical Leave Act. You can talk to your HR director at work to find out what this means in your company and discuss your leave options when you receive a new placement or need to take time off for court and doctor appointments! My office is incredibly understanding and flexible with me when it comes to foster care, which I don't take for granted, and try not to take unfair advantage of! One of the common questions I see is if you can be single and be a foster parent; I'm going to lump this in here. Yes, you can be single and be a foster parent. I can't imagine doing it as a single parent, but I also can't imagine being a single parent generally speaking! If you have a great community of support, and are willing to take some time off work for it, you can do it! It won't be easy, but it's allowed and possible! Preference may be given to two parent homes (I don't know!), but mostly CPS just wants to put kids in loving homes!

Q. What is the "reimbursement" you mentioned?

A. As a general rule, foster parents don't talk about the financial side of it very much. What I generally say is "we don't do it for the money, but it would be a lot harder to do it without it." The reimbursement is designed to cover the costs of caring for a child in your home. It is not a "payment". There are rules for what it must be spent on, and we've found that it very comfortably covers everything we need for the child and allows us to involve them in all of our normal family activities and trips. At the end of a placement anything we spent the reimbursement on that the child still uses goes with them.

Q. What do foster children call their foster parents?

A.Whatever the child wants to. We haven't personally dealt with this as all of our foster loves have been infants so far but I have a few thoughts on it. The most important thing is that the child is comfortable, especially while they process the change and adjust to their new environment. I've heard of foster children calling their foster parents many different things. Some kids prefer to call them mom and dad because it won't draw attention to the fact that they are foster children when out in public. Some call them mom and dad because it's what their foster siblings call them. Some call them by their first names or "Momma <First Name>". I don't have any issues with a foster child calling me mommy, because I think it's possible for kids to have more than one mom for a while, but if a bio-mom didn't want them calling me mommy I would do my best to respect and accommodate that. We don't immediately call ourselves mom and dad when we get a placement, especially with shorter placements. As we learn about the role of their birth parents in their lives, we may feel more comfortable with it. For example, if a child doesn't have a father figure in their life, we would be more comfortable calling Matt dad. Please feel free to ask a foster-parent what their kids call them, or just pay attention to the family interactions to find out, so you can be consistent with their terminology! This is so helpful to the kids and the parents!

Requirements

Q. Who can be a foster parent?

A. Just about anyone (which probably means YOU!). Y'all, I'm 25 and my husband is in grad-school; I'm serious, almost anyone is allowed to do this if you have a heart for it! In our state you must be either legally married or legally single (no live-ins).You must be able to demonstrate that you are financially independent (make more than your expenses each month). You can have loans and debt, as long as your monthly payments don't mean that you are earning less than you spend. You can work full-time, part-time or stay at home as long as you meet these requirements and are able to arrange approved childcare for the time you need it. There is a limit on the number of children you may have living in your home, which I believe in our state is 4. Most states have a similar requirement, but some are so desperate for good foster-parents that they may waive this requirement. You must have a medical professional complete an general physical and fill out an accompanying form to prove you are physically capable of caring for foster children. You also can't have a criminal record (a parking ticket won't stop you from becoming a foster-parent though, only serious or repeated offenses!), everyone over 14 in the home must pass a background check.

Q. What are the requirements for your home?

A. SAFETY! This is a hard question as I never actually received a list of requirements, but I'll go through the main things. First of all, you have to have room for a foster-child (but not necessarily A room!). You can live in an apartment or a house. We have a unique living situation, and CPS never batted an eye at it! Children under 18 months may share a room with their foster parents. Children of the same gender and within 2 years of each other may share a bedroom (up to 2 children per room, though exceptions may be made to this, especially for sibling groups). I believe that your own opposite gender children may share a room, but the foster-child may only share a room within these requirements. A foster child must have their own age-appropriate bed. Past that, it's a matter of making the home safe: basic baby-proofing, locking up medicines and cleaning supplies, and having smoke detectors, a 5lb fire extinguisher, a Carbon Monoxide detector, and a fire escape ladder if the child sleeps on the second floor or higher of a building. 

The Licensure Process

Q. How long does it take to become a foster parent?

A. It took us 4 months from submitting our first application to getting licensed. And then another 2.5 months before welcoming our first placement. This is EXTREMELY SHORT compared to most states where you're told to plan on it taking a year to get licensed.

Q. What does the licensing process involve?

A. Background check, training, and a homestudy. First, we submitted an online application with CPS. Then once we were contacted by a social worker a month later, we had an initial walk-through of our home to be sure we met minimum space and safety requirements, then attended a 2 hour orientation meeting where we were finger-printed and gave permission for background checks, followed by two more 3 hour training sessions, and more hours of online training. In our state this must all be done in a specific order, and missing a step will make you re-start the entire process. Once this was completed we did a "homestudy" which consists (or is suppose to consist) of a detailed inspection of your home to be sure you've met all the safety requirements, and an interview by your social worker with every member of the household regarding your motivation for foster care, parenting philosophy, day to day lives, religion, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. (you get the point). As mentioned above, we also had to submit financial documents and have physicals as part of the licensing process. It might sound like a lot, but really it wasn't very difficult at all, they're just making sure that vulnerable kids get placed in safe and loving homes!

Foster Kids

Q. What determines the foster children who are placed with you?

A. We do! When we applied to be foster parents we listed all of our criteria. Right now we've even put a limit on the length of placement we're able to take since there's a chance we move out of state after graduation next year. Age, gender, levels of disabilities, and even race are traits that we were able to say we would or wouldn't be willing to accept. Strangely, every time I receive a call for a new placement, we are usually told very little, but we are always told the race. We even had CPS call us back once when they found out the race of the child was different than we'd been told (they didn't tell us the gender and age had also changed!). My response is always, "they can be purple for all I care!" When we get a call for a placement we can say yes or no based on the information they give us or our situation. 

Q. "Was it drugs?" (and other questions about foster kids' backgrounds and parents)

A. I can't tell you. I might not even know, and we REALLY aren't allowed to discuss the specifics of a foster child's situation because it's really not our place to tell. What I can tell you, is that children come into care for many different reasons, and it's always important to respect the child, the child's biological family, and the privacy of everyone involved. If you ask me a question and I give you a vague answer, please don't push me to give more information. It's hard not to talk about it, but we want to keep our commitment to respect everyone involved in the process. If there's a question you'd like to ask, prefacing it with "if you aren't allowed to discuss it, that's okay, but I was wondering...." is a great way to show your interest while respecting everyone and our commitments. 

Helpful and Unhelpful Things

Q. What are some unhelpful things that people say to foster parents?

A. I try to understand that everything you say is said with the best intentions so if you've said any of these, I'm not upset, I probably don't remember because a million other people have probably said it too. The most common thing most of us hear is "I couldn't do it, I'd get too attached." This is such a common thing that people say that I'm sure most people never think about the implications of it. But to a foster parent, we hear a few different things in this sentence that I'm going to try to briefly unpack; bear with me. First, it says that we must have some sort of special ability to do this, which isn't true. We're normal people with normal limitations and normal hearts. Second, it implies that we don't love them "too much." On this point, the first thing I'll say is that when we had our 2.5 month long placement, I had actual doubts about whether or not I would love our own children as much as I loved her; the same doubts that many parents experience when they are expecting their second child. The amount that we love these children is nothing less than your love for your own kids. Loving them means doing what's best for them, and recognizing that what's best might not be us, it's their own family! Yes, we've selfishly wished that we could keep a foster forever. Yes, saying goodbye was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but, we've learned that when hard comes your way, you do what you need to do, you do what is best, and you make it through. That means saying goodbye, and it means letting your own heart be broken for a child who you love and may never see again and finding out that you're okay after-all. That all being said, this statement implies that these kids aren't worth your love. This statement says "my own emotional comfort is more important than welcoming vulnerable, scared children in need of love and care into my home." I know this isn't what goes through your mind when you say this, but it's what we hear. Not everyone is able to be a foster parent, but please don't write it off so quickly, and there are better ways to acknowledge the difficulty of foster care than this statement. Okay, that wasn't brief, my bad. Most other things that are unhelpful stem from this and what I said above about respecting biological families and privacy: "will you be able to adopt her", "maybe the family won't want her and you can adopt her", "how much do you get paid" etc. Please remember that I will always try to understand that what you've said is with the best intentions and remind myself you just may not know how to say it, or I might have training or information that you don't; I really don't get my metaphorical feathers ruffled over it! Now on to the flip side of this:

Q. What are some helpful things people can SAY to foster parents?

 A. Basically, just have some tact when you talk to foster parents! Ask kind, open questions instead of making statements and assumptions! We want to answer your questions as much as we're able to (hence this blog post!), and we want your support. Please don't let worrying about offending me get in the way of you asking, but also be teachable, and not a busybody!Ask out of genuine concern and a desire to get to know us and our kids, and you can't go wrong! Let us know that you pray for us, and that you love us and our kids for however long they may be around! The way our church loved our foster daughter while she was with us was incredible to us, and their sadness at her leaving was an encouragement, especially when people were able to share the bittersweetness with us. Again, ask us about our emotions and experiences instead of assuming what they are, foster care is complicated and messy, and so are our emotions about it! If you've read this, it means you care, and we are so thankful for you and your willingness to learn about our lives and our kids!

Q. What are some helpful things people can DO for foster Parents?

A. Normal things you'd do for other new parents, but you may have to do them a little differently. Meals are 100% always appreciated, especially when we first get a new placement! Babysitting can be tricky, because there are restrictions on who can watch foster-children, but you can still find ways. Ask foster parents what you can do to be able to babysit for them (this may mean getting background checked through CPS) or offer to come play with the kids or rock babies at the foster family's house so the parents can clean, cook, fold laundry, nap, or just sit in another room to have an uninterrupted conversation, or even better, do some cleaning for them so they can bond with their fosters! There are ALWAYS bottles in need of washing at our house when we have a placement! A friend of ours even offered to come stay overnight and get up with our foster baby throughout the night for us once to let us get some sleep! Even though we never took him up on it, the thought was very appreciated! Encourage your kids to play with our kids instead of being afraid of their "influence", foster kids need friends too, and having friends will help them heal and learn! Understand that we aren't allowed to discipline our children the same way you might discipline yours, and that there may be traumas and emotional issues that you aren't aware of when foster parents interact with their children and respond to their behaviors. If the foster family has other kids, offer to take the bio kids (and maybe do something special with them) so the parents can bond with the new child or take them to the doctor/visitations, etc! Another thing you can do is offer gently used hand-me-downs and extra furniture to foster families. Our area has a huge facebook group for this that allows people to donate to foster homes, or biological families who need to meet certain requirements to be able to bring their kids home (beds, clothes, food, etc!). Please, don't offer them your junk though! And, of course, pray for us and our kids, and ask us how you can do so!

Wow. Thanks for reading this, friends! Your support means the world to us and there's no way we could do this without our community behind us! If you have any questions about foster care, or any interest in becoming foster parents, please reach out, we LOVE to talk about it!

Life In-Between

Since "Precious" left 3 and a half weeks ago, we've had one more placement come and go (newborns are HARD, y'all!!), and have adjusted back to a child-free life. It wasn't easy, in fact it's been downright hard some days. I will admit, there have been temper-tantrums that probably made my husband feel like there was a child in the house. I felt like I lost the one thing I was really good at. I felt like I lost the social circles and opportunities that come with having a little on your hip. I miss her, but I also just miss being a mom. And I miss my own littles more for it. But we're trying to make the most out of time without kids, and I'm grateful to find that, by God's grace, I'm doing a decent job of it, because I haven't always.

A few months after the first miscarriage, my best friend asked if I wanted to come up to Chicago and go to Six Flags Great America with her because she had free tickets for an upcoming weekend. It just so happened that it was "Confederate Memorial Day" down here in the deep south (yeah, I never knew that was a thing either) and I had a long weekend, so I was able to go! I told a small group I was part of about this trip, to which one of the women responded "it's nice to be able to just go and do that since you don't have kids."

Ouch.

She didn't know. It wasn't her fault, but that sentence cut deep because I was already afraid that I was dishonoring my child by going and doing something I wouldn't have been able to if he or she was still alive. I lived with this mindset for a long time, and I made myself miserable because of it. I was no good to anyone because of it, and I didn't honor God because I wanted to blame someone else for how miserable I was. So, I blamed him, though I would never have admitted it at the time.

I've since learned that the Lord gives joy and blessing even in the hardest of circumstances. We are not wrong to enjoy those things which we would not otherwise have been allowed. He also allows us to use our circumstances to love others and love him in ways we wouldn't have been able to in other circumstances.

In the last few weeks without kids, we've: babysat other fosters, and gone on a spontaneous camping trip, and stayed up late, and slept through the night (praise the Lord...), and spent an entire Sunday afternoon playing a board game, and attended a foster-care training/support group, and had friends over, and had 5 adults sleep in our two bedroom/one bathroom apartment one night, and made goals for ourselves to get healthier and more self-disciplined, and re-organized our entire apartment, and I've been more focused at work, and we've missed our foster-love, and we've missed our babies, and we've seen again that the Lord is good, and that sorrow and joy can mingle. That they don't cancel each other out, but make each other more wholesome in a way. We've fully understood what we've lost, and yet the good things are even sweeter when they are a balm to the soul.

In all of this, I'm reminded that the greatest tragedy in history was also my greatest good; when our very creator suffered and agonized and died, we were granted freedom and access to him that we never had before. I've been excused from condemnation for my sin and clothed in righteousness because an innocent man, the Son of God, was condemned to die on my behalf.  "Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?" God redeems a broken world. He redeemed his own betrayal, humiliation and death for his glory and our good. He redeems our lives that have been mangled by our sin and by the effects of sin on the physical world; he gives beauty and joy in the midst of loss and confusion and he gives mercy and grace and healthy conviction in the midst of temper-tantrums and bad attitudes and pity parties. He is patient, he is kind, and he is good.

Sovereignty and the "Should have Been"

We're visiting Matt's family this week. We thought we'd have foster love with us, but it's okay that we don't. She never should have been ours in the first place. What's hard is having had a child in our home, how easy it is now to imagine what it would be like with our own kids. When I close my eyes as I sit on the deck, I can see the kiddie pool and the sprinkler with my blonde haired, blue eyed  23 month old Brighton laughing with auntie Sarah, playing with daddy, snuggling with grandma, being teased by grandpa and saying "mommy look!" as I rest my drink on my growing baby belly and chat about our plans for Brighton's second birthday party later this month or next. I can smell the sunscreen, hear the water, feel the sticky fingers covered in melted popsicle....

But none of that is real. None of that is the lord's plan. However beautiful it might have been, his plan is even better, even if it's harder; even if I don't see it right now. At the same time, our family is not together, and that's a result of the sin in this world and the fallen nature of even our own bodies. I rest in God's sovereignty while I mourn our babies and the life that could have been; that even in some ways should have been.

The hollowness of losing children may fade into the background most days, but there are times their absence is still felt as strongly as their presence would have been; when I feel like if I listened hard enough, I could almost hear my toddler laughing and playing in the backyard. And my heart longs for the day we can all be together. But today, I must choose to live in reality, and not get lost in the could have been. To believe in God's goodness, and not in my own wisdom, and to remember that the best beautiful sunny day with family still pales in comparison with my children's reality: the presence of their heavenly father, and their savior and co-heir and brother, Jesus Christ. He cares for us, he cares for them, and he will set all things right. Praise the Lord.

Signing up for Goodbye

We didn't sign up to foster because we don't have our own kids (though we love having a full home).
We didn't sign up to foster to make ourselves happy (though we find great pleasure in it).
We didn't sign up to foster as a way to adopt (though if a child needed a forever home, we'd say yes).
We did sign up up to foster to love and care for children who need someone to show them love and care until their own people are able to again. We signed up to say goodbye.

And now I'm sitting here in the post-goodbye. Putting off packing up the toys and clothes and bottles that didn't go with her, and remembering that when we signed up for the giggles and snuggles, we signed up for the heartache.

It's not natural for parenthood to come and go. It's not natural for kids to have to live away from their families. Nothing about foster care is "right." It exists because of brokenness, and that brokenness brings uniquely hard things and heartaches.

It means forming deep attachments even when you know it can all be over tomorrow. For the past two and half months we loved fiercely and fully without holding back, knowing we would say goodbye, but not letting that keep us from giving her every bit of love we could.

It means uncertainty. We've known from day two that goodbye was the plan. We've known for a week and half that it was coming soon. But it came quick and out of the blue today, one day before we were set to leave on vacation. Within 4 hours of the first call today, we'd said our goodbyes to our first longer-term foster love. She was gone as quickly as she'd come.

It means being thankful for things others take for granted. We are grateful that we can be 100% confident that she is loved and cared for; something that isn't always the case in fostering, but is true for most parents.

It means remembering that our children are not our own. Whether they are biological, foster or adopted, they are never ours. They belong first and foremost to God, whom we trust to love them and care for them even more than we do. And, in the case of fostering, it means remembering that even though we may be parents to these little ones today, we aren't their only parents, and we aren't their true parents and we aren't their only family. They belong to someone else, we're just filling in.

It means that "not fair" only applies to kids, not foster parents. Today was fast and hard, but it was fair. No one in this system is obligated to take our feelings into account. The only thing that matters is the child and their family, and that's fair. We waived our right to "not fair" when we signed up. What's not fair is to keep a child from their people longer than is necessary.

It means remembering that just because we signed up doesn't mean it's easy. There is appropriate grief to be found, but it must not overshadow what is right for the child. Yes, it was hard. But we've done what we set out to do, and we handed off a happy, healthy child to her people; we've loved hard, and we've hurt hard, and she's better off for it. Please, let it be hard for us, but please know that it's fair, and that hard is good. We signed up for this, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

With only one guaranteed year left here, we haven't decided if we'll continue to foster now or wait until we've settled in wherever Matt finds a job. But doubtless, there will be more children in need of a loving home for any amount of time, and we look forward to welcoming the next one, making them safe and loved and happy and healthy, and saying goodbye again and again and again. Because someone's got to do it, and I'm happy for it to be me, even in the goodbyes.